Marriage in Crisis: finding hope and growth
Many couples come to me in moments of crisis—whether it's the aftermath of infidelity or years of unresolved issues weighing the relationship down. While painful, crisis can serve as a powerful catalyst for change. This tipping point, known as "critical mass," is when the reality sets in: something must shift, or the marriage cannot continue as it has. Though uncomfortable, critical mass presents an opportunity—the start of meaningful growth.
Moving Forward
In my sessions, I often share the metaphor of a bicycle. Imagine one spouse as the front wheel, carrying most of the load and propelling the marriage forward. The hope is that, eventually, the back wheel—the other partner—engages and shares in the work. A functioning bicycle needs both wheels turning in sync. If you're the front wheel doing all the work, it's natural to feel resentment or exhaustion. However, focusing on your own efforts and allowing yourself to carry more for a time is okay. With patience, the back wheel often catches up. Sometimes, one person does the heavy lifting alone temporarily—and that itself can initiate change within the marriage. It's not a permanent solution, but for a time, it's okay.
What Does "Doing the Work" Mean?
Healing starts with becoming a more grounded and regulated individual. Drawing from Dr. David Schnarch’s ideas, a thriving marriage is rooted in personal balance. Four fundamental practices pave the way:
Developing a solid, yet flexible sense of self
Cultivating a quiet mind and calm heart
Responding from a grounded place
Building meaningful endurance
When you embody these qualities, you invite your spouse into a healthier way of relating. Change begins with you; your transformation encourages your partner to step up as well.
Walking the Path of Healing
When crisis hits, hope for a healthy marriage may seem out of reach. But it's possible—with commitment and hard work. Act quickly to seek therapy and reach out to your community, even if it means building community from scratch. Show up for yourself, whatever that might look like. Avoid blame—instead, invite growth as a shared journey. Release the urge to fix your spouse; let your own change—and the natural pressure it creates within the relationship—drive transformation.
The Power of Slowing Down
Viktor Frankl wisely observed: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” In a marriage crisis, slowing down and expanding that space—pausing before reacting—is vital. Take a breath, allow your body and mind to regulate, then choose your response intentionally. This practice cultivates growth, freedom, and ultimately, healing.
Change in marriage doesn’t begin with the crisis alone—it begins with how you respond to it. Each step forward is progress, and every moment of patience, self-reflection, and connection brings hope closer within reach.