Making Room for Your Core Values in Marriage
When I was 21, going on 22, I moved to China to teach English.
When I think about it now, it seems a little crazy. At that point in my life, I had never even left the country. I had never been on a long-haul flight. And yet, I packed my bags for a year and boarded a plane.
That year kicked off a lifelong love affair with travel and, even more importantly, revealed one of my core values to me: adventure.
After my year in China, I scooted across the world to live in Africa and then Southall, London, trying to figure out my calling and purpose. Eventually, I settled back in Nashville, Tennessee, to plot my next move (and pay off my college loans)!
I was just months away from moving to Morocco when I met my husband.
I decided to stick around and see how things would play out. In the meantime, I started graduate school.
Lucky for me, he was a touring musician at the time, so I still got to see quite a bit of the world.
Eventually, we settled in, got married, quickly became parents, and I finished graduate school. We were scrappy with our finances and still tried to find ways to explore the world and different parts of the United States.
Then he started graduate school, money got tight, and our adventures began to look a little different.
I didn't realize it at the time, but I was still finding ways to live out one of my core values.
Adventure didn't always look like hopping on a plane or exploring a new country.
Sometimes it looked like moving to a new city. Sometimes it meant rehabbing an old 1800s house.Sometimes it was finding a new restaurant, trying a new wine, discovering a new trail, or taking the kids somewhere we'd never been.
And, honestly, I think the number of children we have says something about my values too. Surely five kids is an adventure, right?
Values Change Shape in Different Seasons
One of the things I talk about with couples is the importance of understanding your core values—the things that give your life meaning and make you feel most like yourself.
And here's the thing about values:
The way we live them can change dramatically from one season of life to another.
When you have small children, for example, your life can become incredibly demanding. There are diapers, school schedules, sports, meals, bedtime routines, sick kids, laundry, work, and approximately 8,000 snacks to procure each week.
There may not be a lot of room for spontaneous adventure.
You may not be able to travel the way you once did. You may not have the time, money, energy, or freedom you once had.
That doesn't mean adventure stopped being one of your values.
It may simply mean adventure has taken a different form for this season.
Maybe adventure is taking your toddlers camping for the first time.
Maybe it's a Saturday morning hike.
Maybe it's exploring a new neighborhood or restaurant.
Or maybe, during a particularly exhausting season, adventure simply becomes something you hold onto in your imagination while you survive another bedtime.
The same is true of so many of our values.
If community is important to you, it may look different when you have newborns than it does when your children are teenagers.
If health is a core value, your version of taking care of yourself may look different when you're raising young children than it does when you have an empty nest.
If creativity is important to you, there may be seasons when you are painting and creating—and other seasons when creativity means finding a way to make dinner out of whatever is left in the refrigerator.
The expression of the value changes.
The value itself remains.
Making Room for Your Spouse's Values
My husband has always made space for the adventurous part of who I am—usually to his dismay.
He doesn't like camping. He doesn't even particularly like hiking.
And yet, he has consistently gone along with building adventure into our family life.
In our family, we affectionately call it "Forced Family Fun" when Mom comes up with a new idea or a new mountain to climb.
But here's what I see in that:
He doesn't have to love adventure in exactly the same way I do in order to recognize that it is important to me.
And I don't have to share every one of his values in exactly the same way to recognize that they are important to him.
This is one of the beautiful—and sometimes difficult—parts of marriage.
Marriage is a closed system. Two people are continually influencing one another, and over time it can become easy to assume that your way of living is the "right" way.
But a flourishing marriage requires something different. It requires us to see our spouse clearly.
To notice what makes them come alive. To understand what gives their life meaning.
And then, when possible, to make room for those things—even when they aren't necessarily our things.
Because when we continually ask our spouse to shrink, suppress, or abandon the parts of themselves that matter most, something happens:
They begin to shrivel up.
And eventually, the marriage can too.
Making room for your spouse's values doesn't mean saying yes to everything they want to do. It doesn't mean abandoning your own needs or living at the mercy of your partner's preferences.
It means being curious.
"Why is this important to you?"
"What does this represent for you?"
"How can we find a way to make some room for this in our life together?"
Those questions can change a marriage.
What Are Your Core Values?
I encourage most of my couples to spend some time thinking about their core values—not just individually, but as a couple.
What makes you feel most alive?
What gives your life meaning?
What do you want your family to be about?
And then ask an equally important question:
What would it look like to make room for my spouse's values too?
Here are a few values to get you thinking:
Community
Faith
Family
Adventure
Creativity
Health
Learning
Connection
Beauty
Service
Freedom
Security
Growth
Generosity
Fun
Spirituality
You don't have to share all the same values as your spouse.
In fact, you probably won't.
The goal isn't to become the same person.
The goal is to build a life where both people have room to be fully themselves.
And My Adventure Continues…
Next month, I get back on a long-haul flight to China.
I'm going back to the place where my 21-year-old self first discovered just how much adventure mattered to me.
It is a significant sacrifice for our family—in time, money, and logistics. But we've decided that it's worth making room for.
Because this is still part of who I am.
And my 21-year-old self cannot wait.
Maybe that's what happens when we pay attention to our values.
They keep calling us back to ourselves.
Even as our lives change. Even as our marriages change. Even as our children grow.
The adventure may look different.
But the value remains.
Marriage in Crisis: finding hope and growth
Many couples come to me in moments of crisis—whether it's the aftermath of infidelity or years of unresolved issues weighing the relationship down. While painful, crisis can serve as a powerful catalyst for change. This tipping point, known as "critical mass," is when the reality sets in: something must shift, or the marriage cannot continue as it has. Though uncomfortable, critical mass presents an opportunity—the start of meaningful growth.
Moving Forward
In my sessions, I often share the metaphor of a bicycle. Imagine one spouse as the front wheel, carrying most of the load and propelling the marriage forward. The hope is that, eventually, the back wheel—the other partner—engages and shares in the work. A functioning bicycle needs both wheels turning in sync. If you're the front wheel doing all the work, it's natural to feel resentment or exhaustion. However, focusing on your own efforts and allowing yourself to carry more for a time is okay. With patience, the back wheel often catches up. Sometimes, one person does the heavy lifting alone temporarily—and that itself can initiate change within the marriage. It's not a permanent solution, but for a time, it's okay.
What Does "Doing the Work" Mean?
Healing starts with becoming a more grounded and regulated individual. Drawing from Dr. David Schnarch’s ideas, a thriving marriage is rooted in personal balance. Four fundamental practices pave the way:
Developing a solid, yet flexible sense of self
Cultivating a quiet mind and calm heart
Responding from a grounded place
Building meaningful endurance
When you embody these qualities, you invite your spouse into a healthier way of relating. Change begins with you; your transformation encourages your partner to step up as well.
Walking the Path of Healing
When crisis hits, hope for a healthy marriage may seem out of reach. But it's possible—with commitment and hard work. Act quickly to seek therapy and reach out to your community, even if it means building community from scratch. Show up for yourself, whatever that might look like. Avoid blame—instead, invite growth as a shared journey. Release the urge to fix your spouse; let your own change—and the natural pressure it creates within the relationship—drive transformation.
The Power of Slowing Down
Viktor Frankl wisely observed: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” In a marriage crisis, slowing down and expanding that space—pausing before reacting—is vital. Take a breath, allow your body and mind to regulate, then choose your response intentionally. This practice cultivates growth, freedom, and ultimately, healing.
Change in marriage doesn’t begin with the crisis alone—it begins with how you respond to it. Each step forward is progress, and every moment of patience, self-reflection, and connection brings hope closer within reach.
Off to College: Navigating Family Structure Changes
Our oldest just launched into college, and as the first of five children, her absence has brought some big changes to our household. Being the oldest, she held a significant role in our daily rhythm—both practically and relationally.
High school seniors often spend much of their last year outside the home, which does ease the transition a little. But no matter how you prepare, when move-in day arrives, the shift is immediately felt by everyone in the family.
As we’ve walked through this season, I’ve noticed a few things about the ripple effect on the family—especially among siblings. While parents usually anticipate what’s coming and have been preparing emotionally over time, younger siblings are often caught off guard. For them, it can feel like a sudden loss. Here are a few ways to help care for your other children when one heads off to college.
1. Name the Losses
As parents, we’ve had the college countdown marked on the calendar for months. Our kids? Not so much. In fact, most kids in the summer don’t know what day it is, let alone how many days remain before a sibling moves out.
Help them become aware of the timeline. A wall calendar, a visual countdown, or even regular reminders can prepare their hearts for the transition. With younger children especially, repeating the plan is helpful: “Sister and I are driving to college on this day. You’ll start school the next day.”Giving them advance notice provides time to process what’s coming rather than being blindsided.
2. Talk About the Family Structure Changes
The dinner table feels different with one chair empty. There’s one less driver in the house, one less voice in daily conversations, and possibly one less helper with chores. For us, when our oldest left, it even meant a change in our after-dinner cleanup routine—something that was surprisingly hard on our youngest child. She now had to do chores!
Even bedrooms shift. Maybe a child now has their own space, or perhaps you convert that newly empty room into something else. Whatever the change, talk about it openly as a family. Acknowledging both the losses and the opportunities helps everyone adjust. Some transitions will be smooth, and others might feel uncomfortable for a while—and that’s okay.
3. Facilitate Ongoing Relationships
Siblings are used to daily contact—whether as playmates, companions, or even sparring partners. When that suddenly disappears, it can leave a gap. Encourage one-on-one communication between siblings who are now apart.
For older kids with phones, suggest calls or texts to stay connected. For younger children who don’t have devices, help them set up video calls or even good old-fashioned “pen pal” letters. Scheduling small, intentional moments of connection keeps those sibling bonds strong and helps ease the feelings of distance.
Final Thoughts
Sending a child to college is an emotional milestone for parents, but it’s often just as impactful—sometimes even more so—for siblings. Younger children may not yet have the language to name what they’re feeling, and that’s where we, as parents, can guide them.
Sibling relationships can be among the most life-giving connections we experience. With a little intentionality, we can help our children not only adjust to the changes but also discover new ways to grow closer to each other, even across the miles.
The Music that shapes us
It all begins with an idea.
This article was originally published online here.
My husband loves music. In fact, before he became a pastor, he was a full-time musician. Our home is filled with music most of the time. We have this little dance we do when people come over. He picks out a playlist and turns up the music, then after a time I come by and turn it down because it’s too loud for background music. A little while later he comes by and turns it up again. And on and on we go throughout the night, never even realizing the other one is turning the music up or down. It’s quite comical.
Background Noise of Shame
As we’ve counseled people over the years, we often refer to the negative stories we tell ourselves as “background noise”. In my private practice, I encourage my clients to listen to those stories—to notice if what they are listening to is background noise or background music. Is it a noise that grates and irritates and keeps them from engaging or is it music that stimulates and encourages and delights?
While we were in seminary I began dealing with intense anxiety and panic attacks. The constant story I told myself was that I was “going crazy.” In other times of my life, my background noise was a constant reminder that I was fat or my hips were too wide or that my clothes weren’t right. Current untrue stories I sometimes tell myself are that I’m not a good mom or I’m a failure as a wife. Such background noise is destructive, and it’s just quiet enough that we don’t notice it’s even there. And that’s where the danger lies. We tell ourselves these things without even knowing it.
What stories are you telling yourself? If you quieted your soul, what whispers would you hear?
Dr. Kelly Flanagan, a clinical psychologist, says there is no identify formation, only identity excavation. What he means is, God has made us a certain way and we need to chip away to find our true self. Because we are made in the image of God, each of us has our own way that we express God’s glory. Our shame stories that we tell ourselves keep us from uncovering the way we uniquely reflect who God is. Excavation needs to happen; we call the process sanctification.
Music Shaped in Community
In my counseling practice, much time is spent with clients helping them learn to hear what their “background noise” or shame stories are, and what true music they need to play in their heads instead. But more important than the counseling room is our church community. In community, we gospel together. We share our brokenness and others speak back truth to us. Having someone hear your story, look you in the eye, and love you anyway is the way back to freedom. In the midst of community is where you will find tangible evidence of the gospel of Grace. This is light shining into the shadows. Living in community is the way we combat the background noise that shapes how we live. If we aren’t hiding, like Adam and Eve did, then shame has no power.
Taking those first steps into honest and true community is sometimes scary. Taking the first step could mean signing up for a community group, or maybe sharing honestly with some friends; it could even be sharing some of your background noise with a spouse or trusted friend. Taking those first steps can feel like stepping off a cliff but once you do, you’ll find freedom.
In daily life we need our people. We need our people to reflect back to us not only how we image God In a particular way, but we need them to teach us new songs to sing. We cannot do that in isolation. We need the beauty of the body to sing songs of truth for us when all we hear is background noise. We need the body to sing melodies of truth over our hearts when that noise overtakes us. We also need to do the same for others. We can take the true music we are learning and sing it to those around us.
Breaking free from our shame stories is hard work, but it’s a work God loves to bless.
Singing New Songs
Begin to dream about turning your background noise—your shame stories—into music. The first thing you need to do is pay attention. Begin to quiet your heart throughout the day and listen to that small voice speaking shame stories into your soul. What is it saying? “I let my kids watch too much tv today, I must be a bad mom.” “Nobody seems to care if I’m around, I’m worthless.” “I can’t stop myself from yelling, I wonder if I’m a real Christian.” “I wish my stomach didn’t have all these stretch marks.” “I will never be good enough.” These stories are untrue and contrary to what God thinks of you. Once you identify your background noise, you can speak Gospel truth over it. You are God’s beloved. You image God. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God has not abandoned you.
What could the background music in my life and in your life look like? Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” God delights in you! The God who made the heavens and the earth, the sea and everything in it, that One, He delights in you. This, sisters, this should be the story we tell ourselves. This story can be running in our thoughts throughout our days. The long days of working, raising children, and the million loads of laundry. Let this be our background music to those days. We are worthy, we are enough, we are adored. You are made uniquely to display God’s glory. Grab hold of that story and let it be the song you sing
